Thursday, March 4, 2010

is this happening again?

I feel like a zombie in my own body, I have never felt so alone. I am so mad at myself, it's not the men in my life's fault it's mine. I find these guys who I think are amazing and they have both been the same, selfish, demanding, rude, and most of all make me feel like crap. Your probably thinking I'm being hypocritical because I just stated how it's my fault but I put down the reasons why I don't like them, it's my fault for staying with them when I'm so unhappy. I feel so trapped and I can't leave, I guess I don't know how. I think things will get better with time, and when they don't I give it another chance. What if things don't get better? What if I find someone else and they are just like the others that Ive been with for a long amount of time. I feel like when I met him everything he said was a he liked the same food as me, how he loved the outdoors. At Least he is more fun then the other but just as rude and makes me feel like crap just as much if not more. I'm not perfect in any way I have my own flaws, I feel like they bring out the worst in me at times but I still think I have pose and can understand where they are coming from. I hate going into a conversation starting out strong and why things need to chance by the end of the conversation I'm the one crying saying sorry and I'll do better. I do everything I can to change and fix the problems but he can't...I just don't get why guys think it's impossible to compromise, that is 100 percent of the reason why things don't work there is no compromise. I feel like I express my feeling a lot to him I don't hold anything back, I should have to but when things don't change and we are always fighting and he thinks it's me and I think it's him it's so hard to deal with, I don't know how to deal with it hence the zombie state I'm in right now. I feel like writing always helps but sometimes I stay the same. I'm just thinking okay, if this fight get resolved when is the next one going to start. I feel ike know matter what I do it's never enough or it's wrong. When I have a job he hates it, he hates not having his car, he hates that I'm not home, he feels like it's not worth his time being inconvenienced. When I don't have a job I have it held over my head, I pay all the bills, what do you do around here to help out, School isn't a right now I'm going to school every single day I'm going on two months without missing one day and now I'm working although it's a pain in his bum, and I'm doing my best to keep the house picked up. I have to keep him and my friends socially happy and trying to keep healthy, I feel like I don't have time to breath sometimes....but yet he still say's I don't do enough and I'm ungrateful and a bitch...I just don't know what to do anymore. I guess I'll just take some more time and try and figure out life as it comes to me.

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